The Longwinded (Lincoln) Loser (Lawyer)

In under 30 words: An unintelligent, painfully long movie featuring nauseating camera movements and bad Ryan Phillippe acting (or as Adam Sass brilliantly put it, simply Ryan Phillippe acting).

Warning: I don't know how to successfully bash this movie, AND leave out key facts. There will be SPOILERS.

Denny uses Groupon and came across a deal! Only 6 dollars for tickets to Lincoln Lawyer? Boy Howdy! So we ante up our six bucks a pop and roll into an empty evening showing of the latest Matthew McConaughey legal thriller. While its an unusual departure from the smug romantic comedy he's used to, McConaughey is no stranger to the thriller. It would be nice, I assumed, to see him return.

After sitting through-what seemed like- hours of trailers and commercials (not ONE for something I'd see, I might add) the movie finally started. To it's credit, it had some of the coolest opening credits I'd seen in a while. Shots of LA, Matthew, and his Lincoln town car flew in and out in various squares and rectangles, rocking out to a killer soundtrack. If only I could have watched the credits on loop for two hours...

But no, unfortunately for Denny and I, the movie had to start eventually....

The Lincoln Lawyer tells the story of Mick, a criminal defendant who works from the back of his Lincoln town car. With his faithful driver, Earl, he takes to the streets. When a gang of bikers approaches her car, we get to see how bad ass McConaughey can be. Despite looking uncomfortable in a suit, Matthew is at his best when he is smarmy and confident. He gets plenty of opportunities to be charming, and those are his best. He's not terrible with the more emotional stuff, although he has trouble accessing the emotion. Thankfully, there are contacts to make him look like he's crying and a make-up artist to put bags under his eyes.

McConaughey has a new client. Someone that requested him specifically, Louis (Ryan Phillippe). He's a young playboy accused of beating and threatening to rape and kill a prostitute. He says he didn't do it and that she is setting him up. Mick and his investigator (William H. Macy, searching for another paycheck in "Shameless" downtime) set out to find the truth.

Ryan Phillippe, in addition to being a horrible, lip quivering actor, is not as innocent as he proclaims to be. There is a reason he picked Mick as his attorney, you see. Mick defended a client, for a very similar crime and lost. Lo and behold, its because Phillippe's Louis is the one that committed the crime! As Mick begins to put together the pieces, he realizes that due to attorney client privilege and all that, that there is nothing he can do. Louis torments Mick, in what could be the most interesting plot line of the movie. How can Mick defend this guilty man, AND get him convicted to save his previous client from jail time?

And this is the opportunity for the movie to be really intelligent. But it isn't. Lincoln Lawyer never reaches levels of intelligence that a legal thriller of this caliber should have. There are no a ha! moments, aside from Matthew FOLDING A PHOTOGRAPH IN HALF. Yes, ladies and gentleman, THAT is Matthew's shining moment of intelligence. I suppose, if the character was smart, no one would buy Matthew playing him. So they make other characters figure things out for Matthew. Despite the terrible acting, Phillippe was the smartest character. WHY AM I ROOTING FOR RYAN PHILLIPPE IN A MOVIE?!

To ensure Matthew plays to his game, Phillippe goes after the ones Matthew loves. William H. Macy, whose character is made sympathetic because his gay partner died of AIDS (thanks red ribbon glued to a photograph. Way to show-not-tell. Director Brad Furman went to film school [ but more on that later]), is the first to feel Phillippe's threat. And then Mick's ex-wife and mother of his child (an underused Marisa Tomei) who also happens to be a prosecutor. How convenient.

I'll save you how it ends, but thankfully, it does (about 30 minutes too late). It drags on and showcases a lot of Ryan Phillippe attempting to act, and lot of "fancy" camera work. The entire thing was shot like a student film with quick cuts and exaggerated camera movements. If you need to raise tensions by spinning a camera in a circle in the middle of the courtroom, there is something wrong with your courtroom scene. Same applies for the entire movie.

About halfway through the movie, when I started zoning off in anger, I imagined some potential sequels: The Prius Preacher, The Toyota Teacher, The Jaguar Janitor, and so on and so forth. All wildly more entertaining in my head than what was playing out on the screen in front of me...

Do yourself a favor, even if Groupon offers you $1 tickets to this, save your two hours. Rarely do I see a movie that makes me feel like I wasted my money. This was one of those times. And it wasn't even MY money. It was Denny's. And it wasn't even full price. It was $6. It was, however, 2 hours of my life that I will never have back.