Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Trailer Analysis: Beastly vs. Red Riding Hood

This March we get not one, but TWO classic fairy tale reboots. CBS Films' Beastly and Warner Brothers' Red Riding Hood open a week apart and will do their best to tap into the Twilight fangirl base. I'll tell you this much now, one of them I'm stoked on and the other... well the other you'd have to tie me to a chair and duct tape my eyes open to watch (and I guarantee you the entire time I was sitting there I'd be gnawing away at my arms in an attempt to free myself. The pain of my teeth grinding through my skin would be less than that of watching this attempt at romance). I think you know where this is going...

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Beastly is a modern take on the Beauty and the Beast tale. A pretty, popular, and terribly vain young man is made to look ghastly by a sorceress and only true love (by a brunette) can break the spell.

This is what love looks like, right guys?

The trailer opens with the words "Beautiful people get it better." Then why are you playing this part Alex Pettyfer? If someone loves this movie does that break your spell of only doing shitty movies (I Am Number 4, anyone?)?

Look! It's Will Ferrell in Zoolander!

Beautiful, blond Pettyfer is made to look like an awesome punk rocker by one of the Olsen sisters (I still can't tell them apart, although I always suspected they dabbled in witchcraft [How else did New York Minute get made?].) and so he becomes a recluse to be tutored by a blind Neil Patrick Harris.

But how the fuck can he play darts??!

Don't get me wrong, I love NPH, but apparently blind to him also means deaf given the slow cadence of his dialogue. But it's okay, because NPH can see how awesome Pettyfer is (funny, I didn't get that out of the trailer. Since his personality sucked, too). I contemplated awarding NPH the "What-The-Fuck-Is-He-Doing-In-This-Movie" award, but then I remembered that twin babies are expensive. He's not the only one who can see Pettyfer's inner beauty... It's that bitch from High School Musical! With nothing better to do and the desire for ANOTHER green room, Hudgens is here...trying to be a star... again. Move the bangs aside, sweetie, and embrace your lack of star quality. Just. Stop. You can see how beautiful Pettyfer is, but you can't see how dismal your career is?

It's supposed to be a sweeping Twilight romance, but really its a jumbled modernistic montage of "ugly" Alex Pettyfer looking past Vanessa Hudgen's bangs into her big, vacant eyes. I get no sense of her character what-so-ever. And as I Am Number Four and Twilight taught us, the movie needs to be from the normal girl's point of view, not the supernatural freak. If you haven't guessed it, this is the movie I'm looking forward to THE LEAST. I frankly can't even believe I sat through the trailer three times to write this.

Stay home and watch the good version

My what an exciting trailer you have.... Red Riding Hood.

And my what big eyes you have... OMG guys, she's the wolf.

Less that 15 seconds in and I'm already way more excited about this movie. The vacant glances of Beastly are replaced with a, quite literal, carnivorous love affair. Seyfried's Little Red is big eyed and all grown up. She's fooling around with the woodsman, when her hand in marriage is promised to another. Love triangles did director Catherine Hardwicke well before, (cough, Twilight, cough) and if you're going to try and tap into that fan base, you might as well go back to the source.

They've got more chemistry in this photograph than
Hudgens and Pettyfer have in their entire movie.

While Seyfried is running around with good old fashioned lust (which I know she can play given her stellar performance as the over-sexualized title character in Chloe.) there is another in the village with blood lust! A werewolf, it turns out. And now we're officially in a whole different world than the original little red riding hood. I imagine Grandma will play into this somehow, but the real mystery is not how little red escapes the wolf, but rather- who the wolf is.


Gary Oldman in a dapper purple outfit is hell bent on finding out, and he knows Seyfried knows. It's probably someone she's fucking... but which one?

Red Riding Hood does several things right, where Beastly goes wrong. First, they cast talented actors. Its amazing what Gary Oldman can do for a movie, and I've never seen Amanda Seyfried in something where she was bad. Second, it's got a style. It's beautiful and bright and they stick to that bright but Gothic style through and through. Seyfried is sure to be the only one with red, but the purple, the blue, the yellow all pop just as much. I've always said that Amanda Seyfried has a face for a Tim Burton movie, and this looks like its about as close as she'll get for now. Third, its from HER point of view. This is where Twilight succeeded and I Am Number 4 failed. If you're going to cater to the teen girl, by all means, make your character a teen girl.


A great soundtrack, fast cuts, and a story that I am familiar with (but did not grow up on in a superior animated form) all help to make Red Riding Hood my choice for fangirl storybook romance.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The 8 Types of People You Meet at the Internet Porn Awards

Sometimes in life, you are presented with opportunities that you would be a fool to say no to. This... is one of those times. This Monday I was invited to the internet porn awards, one of which, a friend of mine's website was nominated for. He was assembling a team together to wear shirts advertising his website. This would mean, of course, that we would be mingling with porn stars, attending the awards show and taking part in the open bar. I, of course, said yes.

I have never been to an event quite like this- and should you ever find yourself in a similar situation, allow me to draw you a map of the 8 types of people you will meet at the internet porn awards...

First and foremost...

1) The Liquor Sponsor


If this is an awards show that naked internet celebrities will be attending, you better believe it will be sponsored by some form of alcoholic beverage. There is a high probability, as I learned Monday, that this bar will be open for a LIMITED amount of time. That is why it is imperative that this is the first person you meet at the bar. This bartender poured me my rum and coke (my cup of rum and teaspoon of coke) and much like Barbara Hershey's sweet girl, I was GONE. My other promoters found themselves putting their drinks in my hand and running back to the bar to get another drink/ogle the bartender before they started charging for these deliciously deadly cocktails.

2) The Shameless Self Promoter


Meet Tom. The co-creator of MaleMenu.com and the reason that we all attended this shindig. While others are basking in the joy of simply being nominated, Tom is hard at work making sure his hook up site remains on the minds of everyone in that room. How does he do that? By inviting 10 of his most attractive friends (Bias? Yes.) to work the room in his company's shirts and hand out business cards. Its a win-win situation for everyone involved, really.

3) The Porn Star


You're at an awards show for internet porn. You better believe some porn stars will cross your path! But Marcus, you ask, how on earth will I know who the porn stars are (and then Marcus will scoff at you because he knows you know...)? Simple enough, they're the half naked ones that everyone is taking pictures of/with. They're the ones who literally cannot read. Nothing is more entertaining than watching a porn star try and read the contents of their awards envelope.

4) The Nobody in a Shiny Dress


Surrounded by porn stars, she needs to do something to stand out, and that's why this nobody dons a sparkly dress. Anything to make you look away from the naked and at her. Her heels rival a prostitutes and her make-up rivals the drag queens. She thinks she looks good though, even though you need sunglasses to look at her.

5) The Drag Queen


Speaking of drag queen, say hello to the 5th person you'll meet at the internet porn awards. Prepare yourself. Its not pretty. One stopped to talk to us for a good five minutes, and given the fact that her heels were 6 inches off the ground, the end result was me having a conversation... with her armpit. From the likes of Chi Chi La Rue to the nobody boy trying to stand out amidst porn stars, drag queens found themselves littering the event with glitter and eyelashes.

6) The Man in a Suit


The man in the suit, much like the shameless self promoter, is there to work (this is an industry, after all) and while the promoter seeks people out, the man in the suit is sought out. He is the man behind the scenes. The man with the money. The man with the face (or body, or... endowment) for radio. He's successful though, and everyone around him knows it, so you will too.

7) The One Who Bought His Way In


You might have found yourself with an invitation to these awards, but this man certainly did. For wherever the beautiful people flock, there are bound to be several creepers there to stare. So whether you're the porn star or not, you're NOT off limits from the advances of the man who bought his way in. He's got just enough money, and is missing just enough dignity to throw it all on the table to get in and mingle with the folks he watches naked from home. And if you're like me, he'll compliment your glasses and offer to buy you a drink... which is why its a good thing you know that the bar is already free. Get out while you still can.

8) Frenchie Davis


That's right. The closing act was none other than Frenchie Davis, the Season 2 American Idol Alum who was forced to quit the competition after her past in porn was revealed. It should come to no surprise then, that she is actively working the porn circuit, promoting herself as a singer- not an "actress." She, of course, closed with a little number from Dreamgirls. Much to my surprise, it was not "And I am Telling You..." but instead, "I am Changing..." Poor thing sweat so much during her performance that I'm sure she left the stage to do just as she promised, change. However, while you may be changing, Frenchie, the people you surround yourself with certainly are not...


Friday, February 4, 2011

Marcus Picks the Oscars - Part II

Part two is underway of my Oscar picks and predix. Full disclosure: I only watched 25 minutes of the The Fighter. I honestly have no desire to ever see the rest/end of that movie. But regardless, here we go:

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Who Will Win: Christian Bale. Well Bale has done it again. He's completely altered his physical appearance for a role as a washed up boxer, turned druggie training his brother who happens to be Mark Wahlberg. He apparently isn't even himself anymore, but frankly I thought he was borderline caricature in the beginning of the film. Oh yeah- and there's this: CLICK ME. Forgot about that, didn't you Hollywood? Call me old fashioned but part of being a great actor is not treating your crew like shit....

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Who Should Win: Geoffrey Rush. Because he's never gone into a fit of rage that wasn't scripted AND because after The King's Speech all I wanted was for him to be my best friend. I'm fairly certain I brought up faking a speech impediment to Denny after we saw this, simply to go visit Rush. In all seriousness though, he was the perfect foil to Firth and I found myself rooting for Firth not simply because he was great, but also because a success for Firth's Bertie was a success for Rush's Lionel.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Who Will Win: Hailee Steinfeld. Don't ask me why. I hated the film, but the Academy didn't. There is going to be an upset in one of the major acting categories (as Leo is the front runner) and this will be the category it happens in. What is usually my favorite category is so blah this year. True Grit was a box office success and they'll want to find a place to reward it. This is it. Plus Steinfeld is gaining a ton of momentum and has more screen time than any of the other actresses. The Academy is about to turn its precedent of "reward the child actor with the nomination itself" on its side and give Steinfeld the trophy- but that doesn't mean they'll put her in the lead category.

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Who Should Win: Helena Bonham Carter. She completely transformed herself out of the eccentric, mismatched-shoe-wearing, neo-witch she has become. On top of that, she gave a subtly moving performance that was the epitome of a great supporting actress. Her turn, however, is being overshadowed by phenomenal performances by Firth and Rush, and a slew of mediocre performances crowding the supporting actress race. I am also still pissed that my Black Swan supporting ladies didn't work their way in here.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
What Will Win: Inception. The Academy owes Nolan big time. They screwed him over with The Dark Knight and completely blanked on even nominating him for director for the visually explosive mind fuck that was Inception. The best director nods are the scene of the crime... They'll make it up to him here.

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What Should Win: The Kids Are All Right. I laughed. I cried. And I was just reading the script. The script has so much heart, that it's no wonder the movie felt love. The characters are just as defined on the page as they are on the screen and this is the type of genre that the original screenplay usually loves. It's right up there with Little Miss Sunshine in the "quirky family dramedy" genre.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY


What Will and Should Win: The Social Network. Do I even need to go further on this one? If they could have nominated Sorkin five times they would have. His dialogue is brilliant. It's the perfect combination of material and writer and will undoubtedly be recognized.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
What Will Win: Toy Story 3. Pixar is incredible, I will not deny that. This movie did everything that was promised to me. The characters were just as lovable and the story line just as heart wrenching and loving. But the fact that I am using the phrase "just as" should clue you in to something - it is simply a play into a fan base that is already there. Yes, its great. But is it original?

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What Should Win: How To Train Your Dragon. This movie utilized animation in a way that animation was intended to be used. The flying sequences were so much fun, and save for Wall-E, I have never associated so strongly with an animated character. Hiccup was the perfect everyman. His connection with Toothless and his desire to please his father were amazing emotional through-lines to a thoroughly entertaining and beautiful movie.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Marcus Picks the Oscars - Part I

That time is rapidly approaching once again- The Academy Awards. I, like all of you, have thoughts on what will and what should go down. I (also like most of you) also happen to blog which subjects you to my thoughts on the matter. It isn't going to be pretty-

BEST PICTURE
What Will Win: The Social Network. Don't give in to the hype about The King Speech's resurgence. The Academy is shying away from the traditional in an effort to prove they're as hip as you. It will go to The Social Network, especially since nothing negative has come out of the Social Network's reign.

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What Should Win: Black Swan. What other movie made you feel the things that movie made you feel? It was entertaining AND it was an emotional experience. Which is exactly what a movie should be. It was cathartic. It was chaotic. It was beautiful. It has incredible performances, supporting actresses (yes, that's a dig at the Social Network), an amazing score and cinematography, and costumes to die for (Halloween is already being planned). Above all, it captivated me. It moved me and I am dying to watch it again- unlike any of the other Best Picture Nominees (Kids Are All Right excluded- more on that later). The Best Picture award is collected by the producer, making it the "Best Produced Movie" award. The pieces all came together on this movie like on no other.

BEST DIRECTOR
Who Will Win: David Fincher. Riding the success of his movie, Fincher will walk away with the gold. He delivered a tense, captivating movie about computers. He did not, however, deliver any performances that will walk away with a prize. I think the Academy also feels like they owe him (for Benjamin Button, although god knows why. I feel like Fincher owes ME for that movie).

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Who Should Win: Darren Aronofsky. Black Swan was his vision executed to perfection. I will be the first to admit that the script to Black Swan is not very good. (But what? Didn't I just say it should win Best Picture? Yes. Yes I did. It's my blog. Let me be.) Aronofsky mines gold out of it. Without him, this movie would be nothing. His directorial efforts stretched beyond camera angle and performance. He put faith in his actors, which helped pull out the performances he got. From the visuals to the score, everything was so fittingly "Aronofsky"that this movie couldn't be anything other than a directorial masterpiece. I mean shit... look at how he made you FEEL.

BEST ACTOR


Who Will and Should Win: Colin Firth. Way to go Firth. You made me feel for someone who sounds like a bumbling idiot. The frustration was all too real (and this was that you controlled the stutter!) To have such a mastery over your own voice to do that is enough to take the prize, but why would Firth stop there? His relationships with Rush and Carter are passionate and understandable. He stepped into Bertie and never looked back. Plus he's "owed" for A Single Man.

BEST ACTRESS
Who Will Win: Natalie Portman. Before I go on- this is THE best category this year. Now back to Portman- she did an amazing job and I will be completely happy when she takes the stage of the Kodak. She became a ballerina and her control of her emotions (both while dancing and while speaking) is incredible. She may never top this performance. It wasn't until she took on the black swan that I realize dhow phenomenally she acted the white swan. Amazing.

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Who Should Win: Michelle Williams. What? You expected me to say Annette Bening? Hell, I expected me to say Bening - but at the end of the day we need to be honest and she was not the best actress this year. She was good, but not great. And as much as I love her and that movie, she's going to have to wait because Michelle Williams in Blue Valentine DESTROYED me. Two words for you - SPOILER: Abortion (1). Scene (2). She was hardly acting; she was being.