The 8 Types of People You Meet on the Bus

As you may know from previous posts - I've started to take the bus. It really is very simple and the mental break it allows me is well worth the buck fifty each way. Its an hour and 45 minutes a day where I'm not behind the wheel of a car and instead can be reading a script (or so my boss has discovered). I have, however, noticed a very distinct clustering of bus riders... there are 8.

1) Bestseller Reader



The bestseller reader doesn't want to just sit on the bus while it drives. NO! they're the type to seize their new found free time and get some of those books on their nightstand read. The bestseller reader, however, doesn't really have an opinion on literature, nor does she have anything that she needs to read, so she settles for a bestseller. You see, when people see the bestseller, they know its regarded as a good book, and in hopes the best seller reader will appear cultured and intellectual. Mam, please put "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" down and pick up something that actually interests you... like that People magazine slightly sticking out of your purse.

2) Phone Talker



Of being this person, I am guilty as charged. The phone talker has zero to no consideration for those around him and will talk on the phone while riding the bus. Bus riders sit in close quarters, but this doesn't stop the phone talker from discussing intimate conversations within earshot of 35 of his fellow commuters. This is his time and he'll use it as he pleases, damn it! Buses are loud places, which both bothers the phone talker and works to his advantage. You see, the phone talker hates nothing more than when the bus gets quiet and he realizes everyone is listening to his every word...

3) Angry Commuter


Rosa Parks... the angriest of commuters.

The angry commuter is not happy about having to take the bus and while often gripe and groan when things don't seem to be going her way. The angry commuter often yells out at the bus driver when things are taking too long, as if the bus driver can magically control traffic. She rarely smiles, and often stands up to see what's going on. Commonly heard on but 704 "Hello!? Some people have to get to work here!" The angry commuter is in direct conflict with-

4) The Flirt



The flirt stands directly behind the bus driver (behind the yellow line, of course) and talks to him as he drives. She is always chatty, flirty and overly sexual. She will talk with the driver about any old thing that comes to her mind. Honestly, she is lonely and this is one man who literally cannot go anywhere. On the rare occasion that en engages in conversation, he is liable to get distracted and forget that he is stopped at a light, even as it turns green and then yellow and then red again.

5) The Homeless Babbler



The psychotic babbler is just as much a nuisance as the phone talker. He is of the handful of... putting this politely... fuckin' nuts homeless people... that climb onto the bus, throw their pennies at the bus driver and take a seat or twelve. They are natural conversationalists, and I'm sure whoever it is they are talking to in their heads is enjoying the conversation. They are loud. Potentially even louder than the phone talker and definitely more distracting than the flirt. They usually have nothing to say, but say it anyways. Whenever possible, sitting next to this bus rider should be avoided.

6) The Nap on Wheels



What's that? You've got twenty whole minutes before your stop? Sounds like the perfect time for a cat nap! The nap on wheels is no slave to comfort and will make do with wherever his head will fall. Be it against a window, pole, or the bestseller readers shoulder, the nap on wheels is instantly snoozing. He miraculously wakes up in time to get off his stop and gets up as if nothing happens. The nap on wheels is someone I'm entirely jealous of because I would just sleep all the way to Santa Monica and back. That is, of course, unless I'm stuck next to the psychotic babbler.

7) The Green One



Hey! Another category I fit into. The green one is someone on the bus because it's better for the environment. They are not shy about their love of the Earth, or about proclaiming "how green" they are. Letting everyone know what you're doing, makes you a better person (right?). The green one can be seen carrying their Whole Foods canvas bags and sporting shirts with clever earth friendly messages on them. The green one is often hip, young, independent and financially capable of driving a car. Most green ones, do not remain bus riders, as they get frustrated with its limitations. They instead justify it to themselves that driving their hummer hurts, while bad for the environment, allows them to get to that yoga class on time after all.

8) Sandra Bullock



Avoid getting on the bus with her at all costs. Sandra Bullock will undoubtedly get into some sort of trouble with a terrorist and be forced to drive your bus over a bridge that does not exist. If you are stuck on a bus with this Academy Award winner, try and remain calm and do as Keanu says. Sandra Bullock will complain of gum on her seat and is only taking the bus because she got her license taken away for speeding. Sandra Bullock does not frequent buses anymore, but on the off chance she is on your bus, take a picture for me. I have yet to be in the presence of this rare sighting, Sandra Bullock.