Reasons I Hate the Valley: Tokyo Delve's

My time on the other side of the hill is few and far between, and with good reason. That reason? I fucking hate the Valley. Its common feeling, this hatred of the happenings on the other side of the hill, and yet, we all end up over there. In the same way unattractive people don’t understand why they can empty a club, people in the valley don’t seem to understand why we detest being in that area. It really is a shame that it’s classified as “L.A.” If it weren’t, it would be plenty easy enough to avoid it. That way, when you ask where someone is located it’s another city entirely. It might as well be another planet.

There are a multitude reasons to hate the valley, enough in fact, that I could start another blog on it. We’ll start with one.

Tokyo Delve’s.

My reason for trekking to the valley this weekend, was a dinner with a couple friends I hadn’t seen since college. Ryan, it seems, had an “amazing time” at a sushi bar on Lankershim by the name of “Tokyo Delve’s.” Since Pincus lives right down the street (Why, Pincus? Why?) I agreed to attend. “It’s like a frat party in a sushi bar” Ryan warned me. And with that, I nervously drove through Hollywood and Highland traffic to get to the other side. It would be really great if the tourist capitol of Hollywood was NOT directly in front of my closest entrance to the freeway. Nine years later* I made it to Tokyo Delve’s with, at least, the expectation to get smashed with some friends in a riotous atmosphere.

Tokyo Delve’s was exactly like a frat party, and by frat party, I mean my cousin Mollie’s Bat Mitzvah. Decorated in star cut outs, glitter, flashing lights, bright blue paint, and posters of the 90s most famous actors, Tokyo Delve’s appeared more like an adult Chuck E Cheese than a sushi bar.

Somewhere between the yelling waiters, The YMCA and Cha Cha Slide, I found myself gripping the sides of my chair, excepting at any moment the waiters to hoist me in the air to Hava Nigila.

With the exception of Gaga’s Alejandro, DJ Joe, whose CDs they continually promoted, stuck to top 40 hits. From 2002.

We ordered our food, exposing Pincus to sushi for the first time, and our alcohol. Ryan got his sake bombs, and I settled for a strawberry sake mixed drink (which was literally two sips of beverage). No amount of alcohol would have fixed the atmosphere. Or the food. Prepared by Mexico’s most qualified sushi chefs, the sushi was less than admirable for the price. Perhaps we were paying for the atmosphere. Poor Pincus. I swear sushi is better than this mess that we consumed!

The entire night was narrated by the bartender, Alejandro, whose name was always accompanied by the hit song. He was an, I can only assume, out of work actor or singer masquerading as a Bar Mitzvah DJ in a sushi bar. The rest of the wait staff was no better. All of them, we can only assume, were the hottest things in their home town, who moved to LA and found no other option to dance like a maniac at Tokyo Delve’s. They either have to have had more sake bombs than Ryan to come to work, or they cry themselves to sleep every night. I can hardly imagine that this is what any of them came to LA to do.

The icing on these poor waiters cake? The lip-syncing show at the end of our dinner. Donning wigs, we were subject to a Milli Vanilli/ Right Said Fred/ Vanilla Ice montage of poorly danced and lip-synced “performances.”

We were ushered out precisely an hour and half later, so the next batch of poor unsuspecting customers could celebrate turning 13 in the valley.

Gimmick over food quality, found in the valley. Want to eat well, stay on the right side of the hill. Want to feel embarrassed for everyone around you? Try eating dinner in the valley.

Never again. I hate the valley.**

*Times are approximate

**This in no way reflects on Ryan and Pincus. I had fun with you guys!

The 8 Types of People You Meet at the Internet Porn Awards

Sometimes in life, you are presented with opportunities that you would be a fool to say no to. This... is one of those times. This Monday I was invited to the internet porn awards, one of which, a friend of mine's website was nominated for. He was assembling a team together to wear shirts advertising his website. This would mean, of course, that we would be mingling with porn stars, attending the awards show and taking part in the open bar. I, of course, said yes.

I have never been to an event quite like this- and should you ever find yourself in a similar situation, allow me to draw you a map of the 8 types of people you will meet at the internet porn awards...

First and foremost...

1) The Liquor Sponsor

If this is an awards show that naked internet celebrities will be attending, you better believe it will be sponsored by some form of alcoholic beverage. There is a high probability, as I learned Monday, that this bar will be open for a LIMITED amount of time. That is why it is imperative that this is the first person you meet at the bar. This bartender poured me my rum and coke (my cup of rum and teaspoon of coke) and much like Barbara Hershey's sweet girl, I was GONE. My other promoters found themselves putting their drinks in my hand and running back to the bar to get another drink/ogle the bartender before they started charging for these deliciously deadly cocktails.

2) The Shameless Self Promoter

Meet Tom. The co-creator of MaleMenu.com and the reason that we all attended this shindig. While others are basking in the joy of simply being nominated, Tom is hard at work making sure his hook up site remains on the minds of everyone in that room. How does he do that? By inviting 10 of his most attractive friends (Bias? Yes.) to work the room in his company's shirts and hand out business cards. Its a win-win situation for everyone involved, really.

3) The Porn Star

You're at an awards show for internet porn. You better believe some porn stars will cross your path! But Marcus, you ask, how on earth will I know who the porn stars are (and then Marcus will scoff at you because he knows you know...)? Simple enough, they're the half naked ones that everyone is taking pictures of/with. They're the ones who literally cannot read. Nothing is more entertaining than watching a porn star try and read the contents of their awards envelope.

4) The Nobody in a Shiny Dress

Surrounded by porn stars, she needs to do something to stand out, and that's why this nobody dons a sparkly dress. Anything to make you look away from the naked and at her. Her heels rival a prostitutes and her make-up rivals the drag queens. She thinks she looks good though, even though you need sunglasses to look at her.

5) The Drag Queen

Speaking of drag queen, say hello to the 5th person you'll meet at the internet porn awards. Prepare yourself. Its not pretty. One stopped to talk to us for a good five minutes, and given the fact that her heels were 6 inches off the ground, the end result was me having a conversation... with her armpit. From the likes of Chi Chi La Rue to the nobody boy trying to stand out amidst porn stars, drag queens found themselves littering the event with glitter and eyelashes.

6) The Man in a Suit

The man in the suit, much like the shameless self promoter, is there to work (this is an industry, after all) and while the promoter seeks people out, the man in the suit is sought out. He is the man behind the scenes. The man with the money. The man with the face (or body, or... endowment) for radio. He's successful though, and everyone around him knows it, so you will too.

7) The One Who Bought His Way In

You might have found yourself with an invitation to these awards, but this man certainly did. For wherever the beautiful people flock, there are bound to be several creepers there to stare. So whether you're the porn star or not, you're NOT off limits from the advances of the man who bought his way in. He's got just enough money, and is missing just enough dignity to throw it all on the table to get in and mingle with the folks he watches naked from home. And if you're like me, he'll compliment your glasses and offer to buy you a drink... which is why its a good thing you know that the bar is already free. Get out while you still can.

8) Frenchie Davis

That's right. The closing act was none other than Frenchie Davis, the Season 2 American Idol Alum who was forced to quit the competition after her past in porn was revealed. It should come to no surprise then, that she is actively working the porn circuit, promoting herself as a singer- not an "actress." She, of course, closed with a little number from Dreamgirls. Much to my surprise, it was not "And I am Telling You..." but instead, "I am Changing..." Poor thing sweat so much during her performance that I'm sure she left the stage to do just as she promised, change. However, while you may be changing, Frenchie, the people you surround yourself with certainly are not...

IT'S GOT LAVENDER IN IT aka My Triumphant Return to Blogging

I am aware that it has been a good many months since I've last set pen to paper, or rather, finger to keyboard. It isn't so much a matter of not having anything to say, as it is not having the energy to say it. That all changed when I was re-energized by a little cocktail at The Library Bar in the Roosevelt Hotel.

IT'S GOT LAVENDER IN IT!

The Kentucky Bubble Bath - but alas, I'm getting ahead of myself- so let us go back...

Sass and I are obsessed with this bar. Where other bars have a counter top, the Library Bar has a mother fuckin' garden.

Here's one of the bartenders. With his garden. Notice all the fresh fruits, herbs and vegetables? Well they get mixed into drinks. That's right... getting a drink with orange juice? Hold please while he MUDDLES THIS FRESH ORANGE.

This being said - you can't just get a screwdriver. No regular drinks allowed. Here its about flavor. Looking for something savory? sweet? sour? that doesn't start with an "s"?

I came looking for kiwi. I walked in and there was a row of them on the counter/garden and I was like "whoa, hold up. What are you making right now with kiwi?"

Turns out it was a Bourbon/Sage/Kiwi cocktail that had my head a-spinnin'. I don't even drink bourbon and I was in heaven. Not to be outdone by my 3+ ingredient cocktail, Sass orders the Library Bar version of a Bloody Mary. The one that has 17+ ingredients (including hand picked, ripe vine tomatoes squished in the bottom. Squished with love. And care. And vodka).

I'm on a high from this bourbon drink and I want to know what else he can do with this smooth as silk Bulleit Bourbon. Well, he asks - Do you like lavender? I saw yes before I even think what this entails... I mean... I like the smell of lavender. Its a pretty color and the lavender ice cream I had once at Mashti Malone's wasn't bad but....

And by the time my brain got to that point this beauty was sitting in front of me. Its a Kentucky Bubble Bath. Bourbon and Lavender and Cynar all shook up to the point of frothy deliciousness. Sass and I didn't even know what hit us, because mind you, this is lavender from the flower. As in... I'm going to take this flower and put it in your drink. Wrap your mind around THAT.

So delicious. Must go back... I mean... IT'S GOT LAVENDER IN IT.

Meatless Monday

Meatless Monday is an international campaign that encourages people to not eat meat on Mondays to improve their health and the health of the planet. Reducing meat consumption by 15% (the equivalent of one day a week) lessens the risk of chronic preventable illness and has a strong impact on the environment.

A couple of months ago I saw a tweet from Olivia Wilde (Marissa Cooper's lesbian fling, or if you prefer, Number 13 on House) that mentioned #meatlessmonday. Intrigued, I looked it up. The above sentence is all it took to convince me to give it a try. I've always said I'd be a vegetarian if I didn't like meat so damn much. This was a way for me to at least have some sort of impact- if not the full impact vegetarians have- on the environment (and my health [those of you that know my family history know I'm doomed]). Vegetarians, I respect you...

...and I'm learning what you eat.

What started out as "breakfast for dinner" and "I'll just have a salad," has quickly escalated to spinach-basil pasta with yogurt sauce and homemade lentil burgers with potato salad.

The latter, being last nights meal. Denny, Lauren and I (you see, they have joined me on this endeavor) made these burgers from scratch-



No, that's not the picture from the recipe- that's the picture of my burger. Looks good, right? I'll tack the recipe onto the bottom of this-

After an hour of cooking, the three of us sat down to our burgers and had one of the most fun dinners I can recall having in a while. Maybe it was the wine (it was definitely the wine), but we laughed like it was no bodies business. Meatless Mondays.... bringing friends together since June. Sure, cooking dinner does it, it doesn't have to be meatless but this is a fuckin' adventure people. I made burgers OUT OF BEANS. Invite friends over. Experiment with food. Laugh like its nobodies business. and maybe help out the environment while you're at it.

Anyone have any amazing meatless recipes to send my way? Here's mine-

Lentil Burgers

3 Cups Green Lentils
1 Cup Whole Wheat Bread Crumbs
1/2 Teaspoon Sea Salt
5 Eggs
1/2 Diced Onion
1 Diced Carrot
1 Diced Tomato
Garlic to Taste
Pepper to Taste
Thyme to Taste
Spinach as Topping
Sliced Tomato as Topping
Ranch Dressing as Topping
Cheese as Topping (We used Mozzarella)

In a large pot, boil lentils until soft. They're going to need to be blended or food processed, so make sure they're not hard. Drain the water and put the lentils, eggs, salt, garlic, pepper and thyme into the food processor. NOTE: We tried using a blender and were only moderately successful. Might be because my blender is crap. Might be because a food processor works better. Anyways, we ended up blending/forking/spooning the lentil eggs mix until it had the consistency of a hummus. There were still some whole lentils for sure, but they made for a great texture. Place in a large mixing bowl and add the onions, carrots and tomatoes. NOTE: We didn't use the tomatoes last night. This is something I'm adding to the recipe because I think it would make the burgers a little bit juicier. I could be completely wrong on this.... Moving right along- mix that up and then slowly mix in your bread crumbs until the mixture is of a consistency that you can form patties out of. Make your patties (ours were too big... err on the smaller side) and then place in a frying pan with oil. We seasoned each side with a garlic/herb seasoning. Cook 7 minutes on each side until brown on both sides.

Place on a bun and garnish with spinach, tomato, ranch, and cheese. Serve with wine (duh.)

Enjoy.

Willy Wonka and the Hollywood Forever Cemetery

"It's the most fun I've had in L.A."

That's what I'd heard. Of course I'm going to go in slightly skeptical and full of the highest hopes. I'd been pumped up to believe that evening movie screenings in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery were not only great, but a quintessential part of the Los Angeles experience.

I can now stand behind everything I'd heard and assure you that it is absolutely, 100%, positively true. If you get one Saturday in LA during the summer, and only one, this better be what's on your list to do.

Screenings in the cemetery are a fantastic way to spend a summer evening. Sure it sounds creepy (and it a little bit is) but as Megan put it as we were gallivanting through the gravestones - "It's kind of cool to be here and be really a live. You know? We're living in the moment with friends. we're not here for death. We're here for life." I might have paraphrased a bit - but that's the gist of what she was drunkenly rambling on about after the movie.

Yes, I said drunkenly. You see, it's not "public" in there so drinking.... TOTALLY ALLOWED.

Several bottle of wine, a shit-ton of snack, two bags of candy and a sushi platter later - we have a successful, drunk picnic in the cemetery for last night's movie: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. (No not the shitty one - the good one.)

Gates open at 7, so Nora, Kate, Mikey, Megan and I got there at about 5:30 to get in line. Kevin and Alex and Ashley soon joined us. Followed by Janove and Julie and Jordan. What a crowd! Apples to Apples passed the time (Kate and I are kindred Apples to Apples spirits)...and so did the wine. I was hammered before I even got through the gates into the cemetery.

500+ people crowded onto the lawn for one of the greatest cult movies ever. There was yelling. There was singing. There were snarky remarks. There was quotes. There was so much candy.

It was a ton of fun- but admittedly would have been less so had it not been for the amazing weather, great friends, and campy, fun movie.

My name is Marcus Kaye, Bon Appetit!

I have discovered something new. It's not new, per se, but its an area that never really found myself diving into. New for me- how about that? If the title didn't give it away, my new found obsession is FRENCH FOOD.

Prior to Julie & Julia (see that, Columbia Pictures, the movie DID reach someone) I'll be honest that my knowledge of French food was limited to bread, cheese and escargot. Given that I dislike cheese, I always kind of passed over that particular type of cuisine. What a mistake!

The first place I encountered french cooking was La Poubelle on Franklin in Franklin Village. Parking here is a bitch, so valet. It's worth it. Its dark and moody and the waiters are clad in bow ties. French posters adorn the walls and wine is served by the bottle. I got trout doused in butter and spices and served with baked red potatoes. It was incredible. Rich and creamy and flaky and buttery.

Next was Figaro Cafe on Vermont in Los Feliz. This French cafe feels like it could have been right out of France. Table crammed together outside. People smoking. Dark coffee. My friend Kyle and I went for breakfast and I had some of the best eggs Florentine (a variation of the French eggs Benedict) I'd ever had. There's something about the mornay sauce that it's covered in that I absolutely love. I'd probably go ahead and say that this is my favorite French place in LA thus far, although I'm going to continue expanding my horizons.

This place looks like a gimmick. To French food what Taco Bell is to Mexican, but I assure you it's the real thing. On Santa Monica Boulevard, amidst the bars, is the Paris Crepe Cafe. I've been twice, once for sweet crepes and another time for savory. The Nutella/ banana sweet crepes were delicious and fattening and wonderful. Served with whipped creme AND ice cream, I dare you to say no to these. The savory crepes were good, but I'd recommend La Poubelle for those if that's truly what you're feeling. I shall call this my favorite place for French dessert.

You all know I'm as thin as a rail - maybe a few more trips to French restaurants will cure me of that. Ha!

My next foyer will be in cooking it! Art of French Cooking, anyone? Bon Appetit!

Tommy Curry @ The Pig n' Whistle and the Great Apartment Hunt of 2010

This weekend started out at 8PM at the Pig n' Whistle on Hollywood Blvd. My friend Tommy Curry (check him out here).

After a wonderfully folksy set, a few drinks and plenty of back and forth with the enthusiastic audience of about 25, Tommy played his last song (which was featured in his sister's short film) and called it a night.

Mikey and I, however, did not.

To Fiesta we went where we ran into a friend of Mikey's and his friends.

Cut to it being 4 in the morning and I'm finally pulling myself into bed. It was an epic night of too many drinks (I blame you, Jeremy! Sweet Tea Vodka is the death of me).

And then there was the pizza, networking, and hanging out in an apartment talking.

I'd be remiss if I didn't share this story though: Jeremy and I are walking to my car and are stopped by two teenagers (1 male, 1 female). The conversation went something like this:

Teenage Boy: Can we ask you kind of a weird question?

Jeremy: Sure.

Teenage Boy: How much would you pay my friend or I to blow you?

Marcus: Nothing.

Teenage Girl: Okay, what if it wasn't us. How much would you pay someone?

Marcus: Nothing.

Jeremy: I don't know.

Teenage Girl: We asked that other guy over there and he said 60 bucks.

Jeremy: We wouldn't.

And with that we walked away. Did we just get solicited by prostitutes? Because I think we did....

I pulled myself out of bed Saturday morning to begin

The Great Apartment Hunt of 2010.

Here's some pictures of what we found.

Notable highlights:

-Mr. Bess, an elderly landlord who lectured Denny and I on the trouble with America today (it was credit cards)

-A landlord who described the tenants of her building as "kids that belong on a TV show"

-Denny starving

-Passing the Fat Burger on Santa Monica 17 times

-Running around LA with Denny

-The apartment that smelt like cat pee

And this gem, the potential future home of Denny and I....

and that was just Friday and Saturday....

Can't Take My Eyes Off of You: A Blog About Karaoke

Who doesn't love karaoke? Janove and I went to the Little Bar on Monday for Nora's birthday and I sang "Can't Take My Eyes Off You." It's a fun little diddy, and I'd like to think I sang it well (except for that time I came in early from the "instrumental break." I hate those things....)

Anyways, I looked around and found myself surrounded by two types of people. There were the ones that came to have a good time (have a couple drinks, slur a rendition of "I've Got Friends in Low Places") and then there are the regulars. They're the ones who come every week. They're the ones that have an ARSENAL of songs at their disposal. They know the DJ. They're good. Like really good. Like I'm a white guy crooning Beyonce's "Listen" good. But they're not having fun. No, no. They're singing to be DISCOVERED.

NEWS FLASH: Karaoke bars are full of drunk friends and tools like you. The Hollywood myth of being discovered by an off duty record producer who happens to stumble into a Karaoke bar...ISN'T TRUE. Who is the last singer out there that you can think of that comes from this type of a background? Oh right... NO ONE. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET DISCOVERED AT A KARAOKE BAR. So shut your trap, make fun of the drunken idiots and have a good time.

Don't get me wrong, you are still allowed to sing well. Sing well for your friends, sing well for your colleagues, for the strangers at the bar and for that cute guy or girl that you've had your eye on all night.

It's not a good place to be discovered professionally, but karaoke is a PERFECT place to be discovered by your next boyfriend or girlfriend. There you are, spotlit on the stage, singing an off key version of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King." Three minutes and twenty-three seconds of all eyes on you, including his/hers. Come on people, seize this opportunity. Smile, have fun, make eye contact. So much easier than meeting him/her at a regular bar.

Karaoke was MADE for getting all eyes on you. Just not those of a music producers.

Areas I Love: Melrose Avenue

Time for Part II of "Areas I Love"!

You all have heard of the street, most of you probably have even watched the TV show at one point in your life. Recently, I've started to actually spend time on Melrose (in part because friends live close, in part because I need clothes and in part because it's awesome)

The part of Melrose I frequent lies between La Brea and Fairfax, and if you ignore the Ed Hardy- I really like most of the stores and restaurants. Melrose is the go-to street for wardrobe and fashion.

But as you'll see, the food isn't half bad either.

Here's a rundown of places on Melrose I enjoy:

Kazuyo Sushi

Nora and I first stumbled upon this when searching for a Sushi restaurant near us. It's incredible and kind of classy. The sushi is gigantic and delicious. Their popcorn lobster roll is to die for. I'd call it my favorite sushi place in all of L.A.

Urban Outfitters

Don't act surprised that this is on the list. I love myself some Urban. My closet can testify to that. This is the closest one to me, so naturally it enhances my opinion of the area. Not to mention that a few streets down is-

American Apparel

I don't think I need to say any more. I basically can get all of my shopping done on this stretch of Melrose.

American Vintage

In addition to Urban and AA, there is American Vintage which is hands down my favorite second hand store in the area. So many clothes. So many time periods. It's great for costuming, and even greater when I get to find stuff for myself.

This is where I found the giraffe costume that lead to a stellar Halloween. American Vintage is by no means the only vintage store on the block as well, so wander around. You'll find what you need.

Melgard

I just went here today, but can guarantee I'll be back. The beer variety is huge (not that I'm a huge drinker) and the outdoor patio is great. If this hasn't won you over already, happy hour will: Buy a beer (6 bucks) and get a free pizza. Yes. An entire pizza. Not just a slice. Make sure you do it on separate tabs though. It's one pizza per card.

8 0z

Another great place for beer, but even better for burgers. You can build your own burger and anything you could possibly want on it is available. Fried pickles? Not for me...but hey - you might like them. Get the garlic fries. Trust me.