The 8 Types of People You Meet at the Internet Porn Awards

Sometimes in life, you are presented with opportunities that you would be a fool to say no to. This... is one of those times. This Monday I was invited to the internet porn awards, one of which, a friend of mine's website was nominated for. He was assembling a team together to wear shirts advertising his website. This would mean, of course, that we would be mingling with porn stars, attending the awards show and taking part in the open bar. I, of course, said yes.

I have never been to an event quite like this- and should you ever find yourself in a similar situation, allow me to draw you a map of the 8 types of people you will meet at the internet porn awards...

First and foremost...

1) The Liquor Sponsor

If this is an awards show that naked internet celebrities will be attending, you better believe it will be sponsored by some form of alcoholic beverage. There is a high probability, as I learned Monday, that this bar will be open for a LIMITED amount of time. That is why it is imperative that this is the first person you meet at the bar. This bartender poured me my rum and coke (my cup of rum and teaspoon of coke) and much like Barbara Hershey's sweet girl, I was GONE. My other promoters found themselves putting their drinks in my hand and running back to the bar to get another drink/ogle the bartender before they started charging for these deliciously deadly cocktails.

2) The Shameless Self Promoter

Meet Tom. The co-creator of MaleMenu.com and the reason that we all attended this shindig. While others are basking in the joy of simply being nominated, Tom is hard at work making sure his hook up site remains on the minds of everyone in that room. How does he do that? By inviting 10 of his most attractive friends (Bias? Yes.) to work the room in his company's shirts and hand out business cards. Its a win-win situation for everyone involved, really.

3) The Porn Star

You're at an awards show for internet porn. You better believe some porn stars will cross your path! But Marcus, you ask, how on earth will I know who the porn stars are (and then Marcus will scoff at you because he knows you know...)? Simple enough, they're the half naked ones that everyone is taking pictures of/with. They're the ones who literally cannot read. Nothing is more entertaining than watching a porn star try and read the contents of their awards envelope.

4) The Nobody in a Shiny Dress

Surrounded by porn stars, she needs to do something to stand out, and that's why this nobody dons a sparkly dress. Anything to make you look away from the naked and at her. Her heels rival a prostitutes and her make-up rivals the drag queens. She thinks she looks good though, even though you need sunglasses to look at her.

5) The Drag Queen

Speaking of drag queen, say hello to the 5th person you'll meet at the internet porn awards. Prepare yourself. Its not pretty. One stopped to talk to us for a good five minutes, and given the fact that her heels were 6 inches off the ground, the end result was me having a conversation... with her armpit. From the likes of Chi Chi La Rue to the nobody boy trying to stand out amidst porn stars, drag queens found themselves littering the event with glitter and eyelashes.

6) The Man in a Suit

The man in the suit, much like the shameless self promoter, is there to work (this is an industry, after all) and while the promoter seeks people out, the man in the suit is sought out. He is the man behind the scenes. The man with the money. The man with the face (or body, or... endowment) for radio. He's successful though, and everyone around him knows it, so you will too.

7) The One Who Bought His Way In

You might have found yourself with an invitation to these awards, but this man certainly did. For wherever the beautiful people flock, there are bound to be several creepers there to stare. So whether you're the porn star or not, you're NOT off limits from the advances of the man who bought his way in. He's got just enough money, and is missing just enough dignity to throw it all on the table to get in and mingle with the folks he watches naked from home. And if you're like me, he'll compliment your glasses and offer to buy you a drink... which is why its a good thing you know that the bar is already free. Get out while you still can.

8) Frenchie Davis

That's right. The closing act was none other than Frenchie Davis, the Season 2 American Idol Alum who was forced to quit the competition after her past in porn was revealed. It should come to no surprise then, that she is actively working the porn circuit, promoting herself as a singer- not an "actress." She, of course, closed with a little number from Dreamgirls. Much to my surprise, it was not "And I am Telling You..." but instead, "I am Changing..." Poor thing sweat so much during her performance that I'm sure she left the stage to do just as she promised, change. However, while you may be changing, Frenchie, the people you surround yourself with certainly are not...

Areas I Love: Runyon Canyon

Finally, another installment of "Areas I Love." Here's parts I and II for reference.

While this blog sub-genre is usually reserved for streets or small parts of LA, today I'm using it to declare my love for a certain Runyon Canyon.

Tucked up in the Hollywood Hills at the top of Fuller Street, Runyon Canyon is one of those not-so-secret Hollywood Secrets. Locals know about it, but its never a place a tourist would find, even though it's a hop, skip, jump away from Hollywood and Highland.

While parking can be dicey (just give it up and park a ways away. You're going to hike... you don't need the closest parking spot...), its absolutely worth it.

There's a little stand where you can grab water and a banana. Its an honor system "leave money" situation. Don't make them take it away by grabbing a water and running. Don't be that douche.

And then you're inside. Weekend mornings, grab some friends (see below) and head in.

There's an easy way up (read: sloped) and a more difficult (read: steps) way to the top, but no matter how hard you climb, the view from the top is phenomenal (assuming its not a super smoggy day). The hike takes around an hour and is a great little work out.

Look at this! It amazes me that amidst the city is this beautiful pocket of nature. Its easy to disappear away from the city for a while- that is, until you get to the top and catch a view of it all.

But lets not kid ourselves. There is a reason I love Runyon Canyon above all others: PUPPIES!

See that picture? That is Runyon on a good day. There are puppies EVERYWHERE. Its easy for me to get to the top of the hike because I just run from puppy to puppy. They're off their leashes and SO DAMN CUTE. With their tongues dangling out of their mouths, they get just as tuckered as their human counterparts and pass out on top of the hill.

TANGENT: One time I was hiking and stopped to tie my shoe. Out of nowhere a golden retriever leaps on my back and begins to lick my face. Her owner, mortified, apologized profusely to which I responded: Why would you apologize for that? It just made my day.

And you know what? It did.

Because how do you NOT try the garlic ice cream?

If there is one thing I can say about my group of friends it is this: we eat DAMN well. We've taken to trying new restaurants and this Sunday was no exception. Ladies and gentlemen, The Stinking Rose!

Our reason for going was twofold.

1) We needed to celebrate Denny's promotion. Blog Shout Out: Congrats Denny!

2) We needed to try this restaurant.

The Stinking Rose is a restaurant dedicated to garlic. I love garlic, so naturally this is a match made in heaven. We had no idea if we'd need reservations and so Mikey called and we got their voicemail which sounded like it was narrated by this guy:

I'm already in love with it (and we didn't need reservations). So Denny, Mikey, Amy, Jackie, Caroline, Daniel and I climb around a table and stare at the menu.

Garlic Wine.

40 Glove of Garlic Chicken.

Surf and Turf (All garlic enhanced, of course).

Garlic Encrusted Baby Back Ribs.

Garlic Rolls.

Garlic Ice Cream.

Holy friggin' crap. This is awesome. Our poor waitress, not only was her name Agnes, but she told us about how she cannot get the smell of garlic out of her hair. Now, I love garlic as much as the next guy, but its not exactly a scent you want for yourself. The price you pay to work with delicious food, I suppose.

We pussed out when it came to the garlic wine, so we made sure we hit up the garlic ice cream. Do NOT- I repeat, DO NOT- get it. The consensus was WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE EATING?!

The surf and turf was delicious (and it was amusing watching Denny and Amy trying to get the crab out of the shell).

And the decor is lots of fun (just not as fun as the garlic hat they make the poor host wear). Will I be back? Sure. It's an event place though- not so much a place you could just.... go.

We all went home and brushed our teeth and took showers. It was coming out of my pores, I swear it.

Definitely hit the place up if you have a taste for garlic (and lets be honest, who doesn't?) and a fun group to smell really bad with.

Meatless Monday

Meatless Monday is an international campaign that encourages people to not eat meat on Mondays to improve their health and the health of the planet. Reducing meat consumption by 15% (the equivalent of one day a week) lessens the risk of chronic preventable illness and has a strong impact on the environment.

A couple of months ago I saw a tweet from Olivia Wilde (Marissa Cooper's lesbian fling, or if you prefer, Number 13 on House) that mentioned #meatlessmonday. Intrigued, I looked it up. The above sentence is all it took to convince me to give it a try. I've always said I'd be a vegetarian if I didn't like meat so damn much. This was a way for me to at least have some sort of impact- if not the full impact vegetarians have- on the environment (and my health [those of you that know my family history know I'm doomed]). Vegetarians, I respect you...

...and I'm learning what you eat.

What started out as "breakfast for dinner" and "I'll just have a salad," has quickly escalated to spinach-basil pasta with yogurt sauce and homemade lentil burgers with potato salad.

The latter, being last nights meal. Denny, Lauren and I (you see, they have joined me on this endeavor) made these burgers from scratch-



No, that's not the picture from the recipe- that's the picture of my burger. Looks good, right? I'll tack the recipe onto the bottom of this-

After an hour of cooking, the three of us sat down to our burgers and had one of the most fun dinners I can recall having in a while. Maybe it was the wine (it was definitely the wine), but we laughed like it was no bodies business. Meatless Mondays.... bringing friends together since June. Sure, cooking dinner does it, it doesn't have to be meatless but this is a fuckin' adventure people. I made burgers OUT OF BEANS. Invite friends over. Experiment with food. Laugh like its nobodies business. and maybe help out the environment while you're at it.

Anyone have any amazing meatless recipes to send my way? Here's mine-

Lentil Burgers

3 Cups Green Lentils
1 Cup Whole Wheat Bread Crumbs
1/2 Teaspoon Sea Salt
5 Eggs
1/2 Diced Onion
1 Diced Carrot
1 Diced Tomato
Garlic to Taste
Pepper to Taste
Thyme to Taste
Spinach as Topping
Sliced Tomato as Topping
Ranch Dressing as Topping
Cheese as Topping (We used Mozzarella)

In a large pot, boil lentils until soft. They're going to need to be blended or food processed, so make sure they're not hard. Drain the water and put the lentils, eggs, salt, garlic, pepper and thyme into the food processor. NOTE: We tried using a blender and were only moderately successful. Might be because my blender is crap. Might be because a food processor works better. Anyways, we ended up blending/forking/spooning the lentil eggs mix until it had the consistency of a hummus. There were still some whole lentils for sure, but they made for a great texture. Place in a large mixing bowl and add the onions, carrots and tomatoes. NOTE: We didn't use the tomatoes last night. This is something I'm adding to the recipe because I think it would make the burgers a little bit juicier. I could be completely wrong on this.... Moving right along- mix that up and then slowly mix in your bread crumbs until the mixture is of a consistency that you can form patties out of. Make your patties (ours were too big... err on the smaller side) and then place in a frying pan with oil. We seasoned each side with a garlic/herb seasoning. Cook 7 minutes on each side until brown on both sides.

Place on a bun and garnish with spinach, tomato, ranch, and cheese. Serve with wine (duh.)

Enjoy.

HFF: Days 7-11

It's over. It's hard to believe, really. Final show tally: 5 One-Woman Shows, 1 Musical, 4 Comedy Shows, and 2 Dramas. 12 Different shows. 13 performances. The Hollywood Fringe Festival was one of the best things I've ever done in L.A. Hell, it was one of the best things I've ever done in my entire life. Don't believe me? Let's recap:

-I got published.

-Tons of free shows.

-New friends.

-Did I mention I got published?

-I felt respected. Like my opinion counted.

-My networking ability went through the roof (as did my network!)

I can guarantee that I'll be back next year. I regret only finding Fringe Central (the bar/hangout of freaks like me) at the end. It's a great little hub where anyone talks to anyone and networks (and friendships) are made. It was a lot like summer camp. An 11 day getaway from life, where you make those amazing connections given your short amount of time together. It was a breath of fresh air in my work-filled life. And just like summer camp, I'll miss everyone I met and can't wait to do it again next summer.

This round of shows was vastly superior to the first batch. Standouts were The Birthday Boys and Medea. Both brilliant and moving. I saw The Birthday Boys twice. I would have done the same for Medea, had I had time. Congrats to both on their Fringe award wins!

Reblogged from www.LATheatreReview.com

The Birthday Boys at The Complex Theatres

by Marcus Kaye~

To say that this very well may be the best thing to go up in the Fringe is an understatement. The Birthday Boys is written, directed and performed to perfection.

Playwright Aaron Kozak effortlessly taps into the psyches of three Prisoners Of War in Iraq. Painting a vivid and accurate picture of America’s involvement in Iraq, the first act focuses solely on our three heroes, captured while keeping a storage unit secure. Bound and gagged, they are thrown into a warehouse, their futures left up to the darkness of their imaginations. They bond and somehow manage to find the humor in their situation, placing bets on whom will piss their pants first.

The second act introduces the terrorists and continues through their torture and plea videos to their families. As their bravery shrinks but their bond grows stronger, The Birthday Boys ends in a way you’ve got to see to believe.

The play is brilliantly acted by the three marines, who (given their blindfolds and arm and leg ties) are only allowed their voices and slight torso movements to communicate. And yet, they each draw distinct, believable characters from their limited range of motion. The emotions are real, and the play is dependent on the bond we see them form in the first act. Smartly written and thoroughly performed, nothing about these POWs feels disingenuous.

With raw emotion, distinct and intriguing characters and a look into the war in Iraq that is rarely seen, The Birthday Boys isn’t to be missed.

The Birthday Boys plays June 24, 25 & 26 at 9pm and June 26 & 27 at 3pm

Reblogged from www.LATheatreReview.com

Existential Crises at Art|Works Theatre

by Marcus Kaye~

Billed as comedy that explores the ironic questions of existence, Existential Crises, featuring Second City alums Mike Cherry and Matt Peterson, gets it half right. While the show is indeed a comedy (and a funny one at that) is does very little to look beyond the surface of “existence.”

Whether they’re lying about their past lives, hanging out with an old friend from high school, or living in a world where horses and humans have switched to be master and pet respectively, Cherry and Peterson have the successful comedic ability to draw laughs from their audience. They are, in fact, funniest when they are playing versions of “themselves,” as opposed to the half-baked characters they create.

While some sketches drag on too long, the bits as a whole are nicely written and showed Cherry and Peterson’s comedic ranges. Particularly funny were pantomimes spoofing 90’s action films and old Westerns. Audiences looking for deep meaning within their comedy should look elsewhere, but those simply looking for a few laughs should strongly consider Existential Crises.

Existential Crises plays June 19 & 20 at 9pm at i.O. West, June 25 at 10:30pm and June 26 at 8pm at Art|Works Theatre.

Medea at The Complex Theatres

I saw this one on my own, with no prompt from the LA Theatre Review. In fact, the very reason I went was because, as I was standing outside and waiting for Dancing with Crazies to start two Thursdays ago, I ran struck up a conversation with a boy with feathers in his hair. This boy was Ryan Mullins, of PaperStrangers and he was a part of the cast of Medea. He told me to come to the show and you know what.... I did.

Best decision I could have made. Michael Burke's interpretation of Medea was BREATHTAKING. Gorgeous. Haunting. Creepy. Wonderful. Powerful. Emotional. I was captivated by the precision of the chorus, the emotional depth of Medea (Melissa Fenton), and the two staring children hanging from the rafters.

Technically this show was spectacular and while this review is essentially me using words to tell you how amazing the performances is, nothing I say can do it (and it's feather motif) justice. It's coming to the DC Fringe and I suggest, nay urge, anyone in the area at the time to drop what they're doing and go find out how Medea could kill her children. Kudos to Burke and his PaperStrangers company. They quickly became Fringe friends of mine, and several drinks in - I'm going to miss them. They're a phenomenal, talented group and I can't wait to see what they put on next.

Reblogged from www.LATheatreReview.com

The Meanest Guy That Ever Lived at the Hudson Theatre

by Marcus Kaye~

Lily Spottiswoode’s one-woman show, The Meanest Guy That Ever Lived, focuses on her grandfather’s last moments after being moved home to die. Playing a multitude of characters in her family that “doesn’t have breakfast, but has a morning cigarette,” Spottiswoode embodies each of her family members and each of their journey’s through dealing with the death of Spottiswoode’s grandfather, Jack Palance.

Spottiswoode’s strength is in her ability to vocalize. She is able to change her tone, inflection and sound in a heartbeat, easily creating a different persona for each of her family members. Her grandfather’s lover, Elaine, is particularly entertaining (as is her habit to drink, shed her clothes and run in the street). Spottiswoode has talent, and this show clearly showcases that.

Examining how people deal with death, The Meanest Guy That Ever Lived, could have had more meaningful, touching moments. It felt a little short and dry, leaving me yearning for more. More of Elaine. More of Jack Palance. More of Spottiswoode.

The Meanest Guy That Ever Lived plays June 19 at 8pm and June 26 at 9:30pm at the Hudson Theatre.

That's Funny. You Didn't Sound Black on the Phone at The Complex Theatres

What a title, right? This was another show I wasn't assigned to, but rather went out of sheer interest (and because my PaperStrangers friends were going AND because Jacquetta and I had become Twitter followers of one another [Twitter was a HUGE part of the Hollywood Fringe. Anyone who says it's not actually a networking tool did not witness the #hff tags that went up on half of Hollywood's tweets]).

Jacquetta's show about coming to terms with her level of "blackness" was hilarious (even to those of us who have never been to a gospel church, and have never been called out based on skin color). The fact of the matter is, Jacquetta didn't feel black. Sure she was, but she hung out with white people all her life and while she didn't want to BE white, she just didn't FEEL black.

Her journey is hilarious. Her delivery spot on and her themes, surprisingly, universal.

I got to talking to her at Fringe Central and to our surprise an hour had suddenly passed. She's an amazing, hysterical woman who is based in NYC and you can bet your ass when I go in August, I'll be seeing her stand up show.

Reblogged from www.LATheatreReview.com

Wet Cookies at Theatre Asylum

by Marcus Kaye~

Wet Cookies is the rare type of comedy show in which the laughter starts at the onset and continues, non-stop, for an hour. True, the show is only 45 minutes, but the first fifteen minutes spent out of the theatre will surely find audience members continuing to laugh at the multitude of comical moments in the show.

Whether they’re imaging what would have happened if the Magic School Bus stopped in Nazi Germany, recounting the time they accidentally called their fourth grade teacher “mom,” or holding a still pose for an absurd amount of time, the Wet Cookies sketches never fail to deliver. Notably funny was Mallie McCown’s retelling of the thoughts of a monarch butterfly.

If these sketches sound bizarre on paper, it’s only because they are. But the cast commendably makes each sketch memorable, true, and most of all- funny. The pace is quick and the laughs are big. Cleverly broken up into long and short sketches, Wet Cookies is a wonderfully devised little show.

Direction by Adam Sass and technical direction by Adam Griffith are top notch.

Wet Cookies plays June 19 at 5:30pm, June 20, 22 at 10pm, June 26 at 11:30pm, and June 27 at 7pm at Theatre Asylum and June 19 at 9:00 PM at i.O. West.

Reblogged from www.LATheatreReview.com

Eat, Pray, Laugh at Theatre Asylum

by Marcus Kaye~

Borrowing her title from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book about finding enlightenment in India, comedian Alicia Dattner’s one-woman show tells the story of Dattner’s excursion to India where she went looking for herself.

Eat, Pray Laugh is set on an empty stage, with only a chair. Dattner humorously recounts her search for self in India, focusing on the comedic moments, like learning to use an Indian toilet and the multitude of mustaches on the Indians she encounters. She often recounts how many men were in love with her there that made her feel great, but not fulfilled.

Her quest for fulfillment is told in a straightforward manner. It is not unlike being in a living room somewhere, nodding along at each picture of the Taj Mahal, but secretly wishing for this story to end. With frequent tangents and conversational moments with the audience, Eat, Pray, Laugh hardly felt like a performance.

Dattner is charming, likeable and frequently funny, but the show as a whole never truly takes off. The story is interesting; it’s the story-telling that needs polishing.

Eat, Pray, Laugh plays June 24 at 7pm, 
June 25 at 4pm, June 26 at 5:30pm and June 27 at 8:30 PM at Theatre Asylum.

How fitting that my last (and first) fringe shows were one-woman shows that mentioned their vaginas. Exactly what I expected from such shows, but not what I wanted to hear about!

Until next year!

Tommy Curry @ The Pig n' Whistle and the Great Apartment Hunt of 2010

This weekend started out at 8PM at the Pig n' Whistle on Hollywood Blvd. My friend Tommy Curry (check him out here).

After a wonderfully folksy set, a few drinks and plenty of back and forth with the enthusiastic audience of about 25, Tommy played his last song (which was featured in his sister's short film) and called it a night.

Mikey and I, however, did not.

To Fiesta we went where we ran into a friend of Mikey's and his friends.

Cut to it being 4 in the morning and I'm finally pulling myself into bed. It was an epic night of too many drinks (I blame you, Jeremy! Sweet Tea Vodka is the death of me).

And then there was the pizza, networking, and hanging out in an apartment talking.

I'd be remiss if I didn't share this story though: Jeremy and I are walking to my car and are stopped by two teenagers (1 male, 1 female). The conversation went something like this:

Teenage Boy: Can we ask you kind of a weird question?

Jeremy: Sure.

Teenage Boy: How much would you pay my friend or I to blow you?

Marcus: Nothing.

Teenage Girl: Okay, what if it wasn't us. How much would you pay someone?

Marcus: Nothing.

Jeremy: I don't know.

Teenage Girl: We asked that other guy over there and he said 60 bucks.

Jeremy: We wouldn't.

And with that we walked away. Did we just get solicited by prostitutes? Because I think we did....

I pulled myself out of bed Saturday morning to begin

The Great Apartment Hunt of 2010.

Here's some pictures of what we found.

Notable highlights:

-Mr. Bess, an elderly landlord who lectured Denny and I on the trouble with America today (it was credit cards)

-A landlord who described the tenants of her building as "kids that belong on a TV show"

-Denny starving

-Passing the Fat Burger on Santa Monica 17 times

-Running around LA with Denny

-The apartment that smelt like cat pee

And this gem, the potential future home of Denny and I....

and that was just Friday and Saturday....

Can't Take My Eyes Off of You: A Blog About Karaoke

Who doesn't love karaoke? Janove and I went to the Little Bar on Monday for Nora's birthday and I sang "Can't Take My Eyes Off You." It's a fun little diddy, and I'd like to think I sang it well (except for that time I came in early from the "instrumental break." I hate those things....)

Anyways, I looked around and found myself surrounded by two types of people. There were the ones that came to have a good time (have a couple drinks, slur a rendition of "I've Got Friends in Low Places") and then there are the regulars. They're the ones who come every week. They're the ones that have an ARSENAL of songs at their disposal. They know the DJ. They're good. Like really good. Like I'm a white guy crooning Beyonce's "Listen" good. But they're not having fun. No, no. They're singing to be DISCOVERED.

NEWS FLASH: Karaoke bars are full of drunk friends and tools like you. The Hollywood myth of being discovered by an off duty record producer who happens to stumble into a Karaoke bar...ISN'T TRUE. Who is the last singer out there that you can think of that comes from this type of a background? Oh right... NO ONE. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET DISCOVERED AT A KARAOKE BAR. So shut your trap, make fun of the drunken idiots and have a good time.

Don't get me wrong, you are still allowed to sing well. Sing well for your friends, sing well for your colleagues, for the strangers at the bar and for that cute guy or girl that you've had your eye on all night.

It's not a good place to be discovered professionally, but karaoke is a PERFECT place to be discovered by your next boyfriend or girlfriend. There you are, spotlit on the stage, singing an off key version of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King." Three minutes and twenty-three seconds of all eyes on you, including his/hers. Come on people, seize this opportunity. Smile, have fun, make eye contact. So much easier than meeting him/her at a regular bar.

Karaoke was MADE for getting all eyes on you. Just not those of a music producers.

Chicken Soup

Being sick sucks. Being sick 3 times in 2 months sucks more.

But alas, where would I be without the familiar cherry scent of Robitussin or the chalky taste of Sudafed. What would my diet be without chicken soup, hot tea, and smoothies? The soundtrack of my life seems inexplicably empty without the deep throaty coughs that come from my toes.

But there are some things that, no matter how much having a cold sucks, can make it better:

1) Homemade soup. Bonus points if someone comes over and makes it for you.

2) 12+ hours of sleep. Bonus points if it's without waking once.

3) A warm blanket. To help facilitate that 12+ coma.

4) A personal pharmacy. Check my medicine cabinet, if you need it - I have it.

5) Friends. Subject them to your cold! Have them drag you out and force you to have a good

time. The cold will go away, bonus points if the friends don't.

6) Old movies and new movies. Watch a favorite, or rent a new one. Pull yourself out of your world and enter another world for 2ish hours. Its why movies are made.

7) A hot shower or bath. Bonus points if it's a jacuzzi [I need a friend with a jacuzzi.] Hot water does a body great.

8) Getting dressed. Sitting around in pajamas will NOT make you get better any quicker.

Put all 8 in a blender, add vitamin C, and poof! The cure for the common cold.